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Are difficult people driving you crazy?


You don’t have to put up with their behaviour! You’ll feel stronger and more in control when you know how to handle the three main types of difficult people:

Aggressive controllers
 
Aggressive people are loud, invasive and downright rude. They act as though they have more power than you. They criticise, humiliate, dominate and threaten. Are you too scared to stand up to them? Unfortunately this just perpetuates the problem - by ignoring their behaviour, you are reinforcing it. 
 
You need to do something different. This involves setting clear boundaries by:
 
  1. Giving a clear feedback message, describing the unacceptable behaviour and how it impacts on others.
  2. Allowing them to vent (because they will probably react in an aggressive way).
  3. Describing acceptable behaviour in concrete terms.
  4. Establishing goals for future behaviour.
  5. Setting a date for a follow up meeting.
Passive ‘victims’
 
Passive people find it difficult to express their ideas or feelings. They stay silent instead of saying what they want. They tolerate unreasonable demands and let others walk over them. And sometimes they cry or ask others for help, when they really could take action for themselves.
 
If you live or work with a passive type, you know how tiring their behaviour can be. You end up making all the decisions and doing all the tough jobs. You’re also expected to rescue the passive person from tough situations. It’s time to hand some of this responsibility back! Useful strategies for doing this include:
 
  1. Asking a question and allowing them time to think before they answer. Suggesting that they return later with the answer is a skilful way to do this.
  2. Tolerating pauses and learning to sit through them silently. This is because a passive person won’t respond straight away and needs time to think.
  3. Encouraging the passive person to take risks. Instruct them to bring you solutions rather than problems. Ensure that you give a positive response when they make a suggestion.
  4. Praising and encouraging whenever they have go outside their comfort zone.
Passive-aggressive ‘jokers’
 
These people express anger through obnoxious behaviour. They deliberately make mistakes, sulk, make sarcastic remarks or joke at your expense. They can be hard to handle because their behaviour is difficult to pin down. But you have to stand up to them. Otherwise, you’re silently giving permission for their behaviour to continue.  
 
It is important to respond immediately when someone directs passive aggressive behaviour at you. The best way to do this is to:
 
  1. Outline specifically what can see and/or hear them doing eg. by saying “When I see you…”
  2. Outline your assumption about what they are trying to communicate eg. “I assume you want me to know…” 
  3. Follow up by saying “Is this what you intend to communicate?” Normally the passive-aggressive staff member will say “No, it’s not.”
  4. Respond by setting a clear boundary eg. try saying, “Well, I’m glad to hear that’s not the case. What I’d like to see in future is…”
For more practical tips on dealing with the difficult people in your life, enrol in ITCC’s short course Difficult People: Every Workplace Has One. This is a great introduction to staying in control of tough situations.